Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Day 342- Letting Go

 Day 342, I was left thinking about the people in my life past, present, and future.  I cannot say the thoughts I had started out positive; however, they are the thoughts that have been cyclical for many years of my life.  These thoughts had to do with leaving relationships that are not good, nor show signs of hope or change.

Subsequently, following the thoughts are a series of questions I have often found myself asking myself…  The questions perpetuated by not knowing when to end a relationship.  These questions do not come nonchalantly; in fact, the questions are at times consuming and emotionally draining very much like the relationships of mention. 

So, when do we know it is time to move on?  When do we know things are not going to change?  When do we really know we have tried all we can to salvage a relationship/friendship and it is time to sever all ties?

These are just a few of the questions that have been plaguing my heart and mind for some time.  In the past, I have easily walked away from relationships that have perpetually caused me hurt.  Then there were those relationships that no matter how much hurt had been inflicted on me, I stayed.  I knew they were not healthy and at times very dysfunctional, yet stayed. 

So, why did/do I stay? 

When do we say enough is enough?

What has to happen for one to have clarity and know what they are doing is the right thing, not just for themselves; moreover, for all involved?

First, let me start by stating the initial reason I have stayed in these types of relationships regardless of the relation personal, or friendship; Guilt.  The guilt that I had done something wrong or the guilt that I would be doing something wrong if I left the relationship.  The guilt brought about by other outside influences, which came in a myriad of forms.  

Followed by the guilt I felt when I heard the statements-, “You have to forgive,” … “What would God do,”…, or “How do you think God would feel about YOU walking away from (Name Goes Here) … “ or, “How can You call yourself a Christian and not care?”

Essentially, there was so much guilt that I remained trapped trying to figure out what to do.  I was so consumed with doing what was right in everyone's eyes I did not see what the relationship(s) were doing to me.

Aside from the guilt that evoked me to be imprisoned, I struggled with myself … Myself-image, self-esteem, and self-worth.  I thought maybe that it was me; maybe there was something I could do to change, that would fix the relationship, and this continued/continues in my life to a certain degree on a continuum. 

The cyclical pattern …

As a result, as in all things I turned to God and asked/ask the questions I was/am seeking answers to as in, “God when is it time to let go?” …  “Father even though I chose this relationship/friendship, does that mean I have to stay in it even though it hurts?”  ...  “God is it OK to allow a person to devalue, verbally/physically hurt, or emotionally be void in a relationship?” …  “God is it Ok to let go and walk away from a person who harms me?”  These questions and many more I have asked God on many occasions, because in all honesty I did/do not know the answers.  I did not know what God wanted me to do.  I had read the Bible and the scriptures on relationships and everything I had read stated, “To stay,” … “To forgive,” and or “That I could not walk away,” so what was I to do… 

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV, 2010)

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

I could/cannot not see my God saying I had to stay and allow another person to hurt me.  He/she did not hold more value than I. God created us ALL in his image and we ALL are equally loved by him regardless!  He sent his Son to die on the cross not just for others, however, for me as well, so why did/do I allow another to treat me as if I am less than they are? Although, I am still unsure one thing I do know for certain and that is-

Psalm 18:47-48 (NIV, 2010)
He is the God who avenges me,
who subdues nations under me,
who saves me from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes;
from a violent man you rescued me.”

Therefore, I may struggle with this issue and may not have all the answers yet to help me overcome years of worldly programming; I will continue to seek the answers God has for me when it comes to relationships friendship and other.  I will continue to work on me so God can work on others.  I will continue to forgive; however, KNOW I have value and I am valued. Knowing we are of value allows others to see the value in us. 

You are valued, allow yourself to be valued.

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