Day 354, today I was reminded of past relationship casualties. These memories were resurrected due to the longing of an allusive illusion I had created for myself in the area of relationships- more specifically a husband and wife relationship. I have always had an expectation of what a relationship should be like instead of what a relationship actually IS like.
What does a relationship actually look like? (Metaphorically speaking)
Does a relationship look like a scene cast from the ($81,001,787, Domestic Gross) selling movie “The Notebook,” or is it visible when we reading Jane Austen’s book, “Pride and Prejudice,” or is it found when listening to Percy Sledge’s lyrics, “When A Man Loves A Woman?”
See, for me I never really knew what it meant for a man to love a women. The way I thought a man should love a women was always completely different from the way he did.
I did not understand why if a person loved me then why did he always hurt me. The man who knew my every thought, fear, and past in my eyes should have been very careful with what he knew. Not build upon the pain, but instead help ease and erase the pain life had imprinted on my heart.
The words, “I love you,” early in my life became meaningless. I did not want to, nor care to hear those words anymore. What I wanted instead was to see the words in the daily walk of a relationship. This did not mean I did not ever want to hear a man speak those words to me, it simply meant … make the words mean something. It is so easy to get lost in words and so easy to say “I love you,” or “I am sorry”; however what is not easy is showing the love behind the words.
At least to me.
I was told many times not to think and only to feel, but how could I feel when my heart was so hardened. How could I not think when the contradiction was so visible and opposite of what was said? How is it when I would share the hurts inflicted a simple “I am sorry” was to surface when the action continued?
I thought so many times it was my fault and granted there were many times I did things I should not of done and I said things I should not of said; however, I will not accept the fault for another’s actions.
I cannot make a person do or not do something he/she is already compelled to do or not … Just like I cannot change another person, a person has to want to change…
I cannot MAKE a man treat me badly. I cannot MAKE a man betray me. I cannot MAKE a man strike me. I cannot MAKE a man be unfaithful. I cannot MAKE a man come home at night. I cannot MAKE a man tell the truth and I most certainly cannot MAKE a man love me…
Simply put, I cannot MAKE a MAN just as a man cannot MAKE ME.
So, how is a relationship supposed to look…?
The following passages may enable a better understanding of how a relationship should look, meaning the fruits of a couple such as husband and wife according to the scriptures-
Ephesians 5:21-33 (NIV, ©2010)
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
I know this does not answer all the questions a person has when it comes to relationships and especially marriage. To understand marriage it takes years of study and understanding; however, a good start is to follow the simple instruction God gives us when we are tying ourselves to another in whatever relationship it may be.
The following scripture reads-
2 Corinthians 6:14-18 (NIV, ©2010)
“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?”
When we come together in a relationship or marriage with a nonbeliever makes for an unrealistic expectation of what he/she can bring into the relationship. How is it possible to follow Gods instruction on how to treat their mate if they do not know?
Furthermore, just because we may know Gods words are we following his instruction?
I myself have made many wrong choice not based on Gods instruction and found that the reason I did not know what a relationship was supposed to look like was because I was looking at the worlds reflection of a relationship and not God’s.
Therefore, I will look at relationships through Gods eyes and not through my worldly eyes. The reflection from the world will not shine so bright that it creates a distraction from what God truly wants me to see as a relationship and in a relationship .